Joan Rivers Quotes

Joan Alexandra Molinsky (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), known as Joan Rivers, was an American actress, comedian, writer, producer, and television host noted for her often controversial comedic persona—where she was alternately self-deprecating or sharply acerbic, especially toward celebrities and politicians.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
   
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
   
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
   
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
   
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
   
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
   
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
   
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
   
Never floss with a stranger.
   
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
   
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
   
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
   
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
   
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
   
My audiences get younger all the time.

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
   
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
   
You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.
   
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.